A stone cobbler asked him
what to do when she is laggard

Gradually begin with the pastry blender
In the manner of Free Range Bison
Once the Frensel is spotted down
The empanada will unveil itself
Said the little man in the boat

Then a sentinel questioned
what to do when she rebukes

If the udon noodle is beveled
Proceed with The Huffington Post
Be it taut, then frugality will be rewarded
With the Alaskan Snow Crab’s atonement
Said the little man in the boat

By Shibbadoo Crebbs III

My younger year so deeply entrenched with
remembrances of time with you. When we used
to play hide and seek for hours; my how you
loved that game. How you were so brave in
defending me from my evil overlord parents and
there obsession with bathing. You took me for
a ride on your Sheffield Trolley as we played
chicken with the oncoming trains. You instilled
in me a profound love of cock-fighting, and I
will think of you whenever I see rotting
chicken carcass. Oh, how I enjoyed packing mud
pies in the back yard together, as well as the
time we spent holding hands at the drive-in.
Now that you are gone I wish to pass on the
gifts you gave me to my nephew. And then maybe
the paperboy.

By Asparagus P. Shamrocks

Rapture me. Society, swirling counter
clock-wise down the ceramic of what was once a promising condition.

Rapture me. From the IBS that rains from
the not so dusty openings of my innards.

Rapture me. For the fondue of truth and
the dried grease of this righteousness
lead to the faddy spiritual hypocrisy that
I have absorbed like the adult toy given me by my youth pastor.
I know I’m to be raptured, Lord, for the
ritualistic fornication, drunkenness, and
extortion I’ve practiced in concert with
the men of the cloth. Versace cloth I
think it was, but I digress.

Rapture me. For the pecking stings of
Hell’s birds are almost as relentless
as Michael Jackson in the ball pit at the Malibu McDonalds.

Thank you, Father, for you kind attention
to my rambling preamble to your ineluctable rapture.

By Ryan Johanson

Capillaceous DNA, the swirling air fills
Motionlessly held against your will
The ground holds the fallen ciliate,
Shivering, yet you dare not debate
Click, buzz, what have you done
Piliferous production, reduced to none
Sang-froid demeanor from your warm blooded nature
Now transformed to poikilothermal, attitudinarianistic behavior
Insular of congenital warmth and protection
I stand agast at thee, my beautiful confection

By Asparagus P. Shamrocks

Aunt Gretel,
You are a bane. A weevil.
You skirt down the annals of my recollection
Carting your rickshaw of insipidity
like a hurtling meteor into
the trembling pelvis of Time.
With each passing moment
you sit vaingloriously
in your hyperbaric chamber of alacrity
vigorously wiggling darning needles
over inuntile textile execrables.
I yearn for your end, Gretel,
like an emaciated collie salivating for
the slightest mishandled morsel of kibble.
I wish you only the greatest of suffering.

By Gern Blansten

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It is not your arrogant subsistence
in harshest of climates.
Not your ostentatious “hand-made” moccassins
and fur-lined parkas.
Not your foolhardy dwellings,
mere puddles to the rising sun.
Not how you have raped the coastline
of Herschel Island for far too long,
Nor your seal meat halitosis.
Not your childish carvings of soapstone,
maquettes at best,
Nor your unflappable spirit
which I find so conceited.
I hate you because you are Inuit.
What other cause is needed?

By Gern Blansten

Ryan Johanson [10:16:13 AM] Batman is the greatest Superhero

Gern Blansten [10:18:22 AM]: nice and obscure

Ryan Johanson [10:18:29 AM]: thank you
Ryan Johanson [10:18:41 AM]: but this thing about batman is truly how i feel :)
Ryan Johanson [10:18:46 AM]: hands down
Ryan Johanson [10:19:23 AM]: thoughts? opinions?

Gern Blansten [10:23:22 AM]: not really

Ryan Johanson [10:25:51 AM]: i hate you
Ryan Johanson [10:25:55 AM]: do you hear me
Ryan Johanson [10:26:54 AM]: well, do you?

Gern Blansten [10:27:06 AM]: I knew this would incite you. I started to write… “That’s right, Johanson. Let the disdain for me flow from inside you”

Ryan Johanson [10:27:24 AM]: i am going to sweeny todd you you bastard

Gern Blansten [10:27:40 AM]: Freakin Mrs. Blansten wants to see that

Ryan Johanson [10:27:44 AM]: i know you said
Ryan Johanson [10:27:47 AM]: that
Ryan Johanson [10:27:51 AM]: thats why I used the reference

Gern Blansten [10:27:54 AM]: Freakin Johnny Depp moistens her panties

Ryan Johanson [10:28:00 AM]: thats to bad
Ryan Johanson [10:28:03 AM]: too
Ryan Johanson [10:28:04 AM]: bad
Ryan Johanson [10:28:07 AM]: you asshat
Ryan Johanson [10:28:12 AM]: i freakin hate you
Ryan Johanson [10:28:23 AM]: do you see what im doing
Ryan Johanson [10:28:29 AM]: I am toughing you up
Ryan Johanson [10:29:11 AM]: for your time off
Ryan Johanson [10:29:30 AM]: i am getting you used to the abuse you will endure
Ryan Johanson [10:29:42 AM]: you should thank me
Ryan Johanson [10:29:50 AM]: f’ing guy
Ryan Johanson [10:31:54 AM]: you disgust me
Ryan Johanson [10:32:03 AM]: with all of your asted potential
Ryan Johanson [10:32:06 AM]: wasted
Ryan Johanson [10:32:09 AM]: thats right
Ryan Johanson [10:32:13 AM]: Wasted
Ryan Johanson [10:32:15 AM]: !!!
Ryan Johanson [10:32:19 AM]: yuo waste
Ryan Johanson [10:32:31 AM]: how do you live with yourself?
Ryan Johanson [10:32:45 AM]: how do you look in the mirror?
Ryan Johanson [10:33:29 AM]: with all of your wasted
Ryan Johanson [10:33:53 AM]: life!
Ryan Johanson [10:34:02 AM]: you are withering away
Ryan Johanson [10:34:06 AM]: into oblivion

Gern Blansten [10:34:20 AM]: is this like another one of your stories where every line is actually talking about how you feel about yourself?

Ryan Johanson [10:34:31 AM]: now goat raper

Gern Blansten [10:34:36 AM]: :)

Ryan Johanson [10:34:36 AM]: you listen here
Ryan Johanson [10:34:49 AM]: just because you are a fraction of a man
Ryan Johanson [10:35:04 AM]: and are wasting away

Gern Blansten [10:35:16 AM]: that two girls 1 cup video? that’s how you were born.

Ryan Johanson [10:35:18 AM]: renders anything you say invalid
Ryan Johanson [10:35:25 AM]: so shut
Ryan Johanson [10:35:28 AM]: your
Ryan Johanson [10:35:32 AM]: MOUTH!!!
Ryan Johanson [10:35:38 AM]: and let me abuse you’
Ryan Johanson [10:35:44 AM]: until i am content

Gern Blansten [10:35:56 AM]: yeah, apparently my publisher thinks I’m anoxeric

Ryan Johanson [10:36:03 AM]: wtf
Ryan Johanson [10:36:04 AM]: is that

Gern Blansten [10:36:05 AM]: annorexic

Ryan Johanson [10:36:18 AM]: i am going to spread a rumor today
Ryan Johanson [10:36:20 AM]: about you
Ryan Johanson [10:36:23 AM]: that you are bulimic

Gern Blansten [10:36:30 AM]: hehe, please do

Ryan Johanson [10:36:32 AM]: and i’ve seen you purge
Ryan Johanson [10:36:39 AM]: and im telling your proofreader
Ryan Johanson [10:36:46 AM]: and then your publisher will overhere
Ryan Johanson [10:36:55 AM]: and then it will spread over the holidays
Ryan Johanson [10:36:57 AM]: like wildfire
Ryan Johanson [10:37:11 AM]: and when you get back, he will have scheduled an intervention for you
Ryan Johanson [10:37:26 AM]: and you will be sent to rehab
Ryan Johanson [10:37:44 AM]: and there you will be raped by the support staff

Gern Blansten [10:37:56 AM]: and fall in love?

Ryan Johanson [10:38:03 AM]: and then you will come out of it gay
Ryan Johanson [10:38:06 AM]: and in love with me
Ryan Johanson [10:38:14 AM]: and i will have to thwart your advances
Ryan Johanson [10:38:20 AM]: until i cant take it anymore
Ryan Johanson [10:38:35 AM]: and then i’ll put an unmarked gun in your hands after killing you
Ryan Johanson [10:38:48 AM]: and dumping your body in the pit on holmes blvd

Gern Blansten [10:39:00 AM]: hey, do me a favor?
Gern Blansten [10:39:07 AM]: call your wife right now
Gern Blansten [10:39:11 AM]: :)

Ryan Johanson [10:39:13 AM]: and there you will lie
Ryan Johanson [10:39:50 AM]: a gay, dead annorexic, bloated with wasted potential
Ryan Johanson [10:39:52 AM]: there
Ryan Johanson [10:39:57 AM]: your abuse has ended

Gern Blansten [10:40:26 AM]: not by a long shot
Gern Blansten [10:40:31 AM]: I still have to witness you living your life

Ryan Johanson [10:40:32 AM]: oh ive said it is over
Ryan Johanson [10:40:41 AM]: what is this?
Ryan Johanson [10:40:50 AM]: too obscure

Gern Blansten [10:41:08 AM]: Hardly, it’s painful to watch

Ryan Johanson [10:41:15 AM]: what my life?

Gern Blansten [10:41:18 AM]: Not obscure. Just over your head, as usual.

Ryan Johanson [10:41:27 AM]: ok
Ryan Johanson [10:41:30 AM]: now ive got you
Ryan Johanson [10:41:38 AM]: im sorry your so angry inside, Gern
Ryan Johanson [10:41:43 AM]: that you have to insult me
Ryan Johanson [10:41:50 AM]: your only friend
Ryan Johanson [10:41:59 AM]: and this is how im treated?
Ryan Johanson [10:42:11 AM]: look over this chat at what ive done for you
Ryan Johanson [10:42:20 AM]: i have made you a stronger man
Ryan Johanson [10:42:22 AM]: this day
Ryan Johanson [10:42:40 AM]: i could have potentially saved your marriage
Ryan Johanson [10:42:46 AM]: by abusing you
Ryan Johanson [10:42:56 AM]: what
Ryan Johanson [10:42:58 AM]: nothing
Ryan Johanson [10:43:07 AM]: what hagve you to say for yourself
Ryan Johanson [10:43:11 AM]: Gern?

Gern Blansten [10:43:50 AM]: hey, can I get that Steel Magnolias DVD from you?

Ryan Johanson [10:43:53 AM]: yeah

Gern Blansten [10:43:55 AM]: only friend?

Ryan Johanson [10:44:04 AM]: just follow me home. Oh, wait . . . . a minute
Ryan Johanson [10:44:17 AM]: now didnt I just tell you would turn gay for me?

Gern Blansten [10:44:18 AM]: and fight the urge to flip you over the hood?
Gern Blansten [10:44:21 AM]: that’s asking a lot

Ryan Johanson [10:44:24 AM]: now you’re trying to get into my house
Ryan Johanson [10:44:32 AM]: i drove today
Ryan Johanson [10:44:41 AM]: ignorance
Ryan Johanson [10:44:45 AM]: pure ignorance

Gern Blansten [10:45:04 AM]: good for you